The Whirlwind

I tried to hold the storm at bay, but it was too strong. The doubts rained down on me and flooded my mind with confusion. The whirlwind of questions spun in my head like a hurricane until I was dizzy and disoriented. I tried to focus; to take on one question at a time. It was like trying to pull a single flame from a raging forest fire. I could feel them burning me; each one begging to be paired with an answer. Was it me that he loved? He had told me that he had thought of me often; had missed me more than he could bear. But was it the strong me that he loved now or was it the fragile girl he had tossed away? The new me was nothing like the old. He wanted me to move closer to him if things worked out between us, after all I couldn’t expect him to move away from the responsibility of a child right? He had left me having been too scared of a commitment just to marry another girl. Even if he had realized his mistake, could I forgive and forget? I loved other people’s children for a living. Could I love his child and help raise it? I had replaced my dream of marriage with my dream of moving to Washington. Could I undo that dream? Could I give it up to be with him? Would I resent him later if I did? Would it be worth it? I had dropped everything for him before and it had only ended in disaster, could I drop everything for him again? Would it have the same outcome? What about my teeth? How was I going to find the money to get them fixed? How was I going to save the money for a trip? Could I be with him and still follow my dream? What meant more to me, him or the trip? The on slot of questions continued endlessly. It was like the storm had turned into an ocean of freezing water; its currents pulling me down as I thrashed. The answers I sought had become the air and I was flailing my limbs in an effort to reach them. I was slowly drowning it was all I could do to pull my head above the surface; choking and gurgling as I tried to cough up the answers. It was my choice to make, my questions to answer but what would I do?

A Bump in the Road

It got harder to keep my secret as the possibility for Washington got stronger. I was itching to tell people. On top of this itch I was having a sharp pain in the front of my mouth. I had always had problems with my teeth; I was born prematurely and without enough enamel. I had plenty of experience with dentist over the years and detested everything about them. I had been ignoring the pain for a few weeks. I was so busy and it was easy to distract myself from it but the pain continued to grow. Someone with a heart condition would not be advised to ignore a pain in their chest just as I should not have ignored the pain in my teeth. I avoided it mainly because I didn’t want another problem to deal with. The sharpness of the ache only grew and I knew I needed to get it checked. I had hoped that it was a minor problem but the tooth that was hurting had been traumatized in the past. I had damaged the tooth in sixth grade during a tickling war where I was accidently kneed in the mouth. It bent the front two teeth back and caused some major damage to the roots but the teeth remained intact and strong so the dentist at that time left them alone. They straightened out and were fine until high school when I had to have root canals on the two. I tell you this because the problem stems from that simple knee to the mouth into a full out dental disaster! How silly that this all happened so long ago and was now threatening my big opportunity. I caved and made an appointment. After a mouthful of x-rays and some poking the verdict was in, and it was neither minor nor cheap. The tooth was committing suicide in my mouth and had to be replaced. I needed an implant- a dental surgery that can cost upwards of four and five thousand dollars. That wasn’t a kink in my plan that was a full out nuclear bomb! I couldn’t pay for that and still go to Washington. What was life trying to show me and how was giving it time making anything better?! I needed a rain coat for my life… I had a feeling it was about to storm…

Keeping Secrets

Things seemed to be going well. The questions were still fogging my brain but I had done my best to push them to the back of my mind. There was no point in making fast decisions by throwing a handful of short fused dynamite at the situation. I stopped searching for a way to move to Washington. I didn’t know how it was all going to work out; I figured I would know the right thing to do when it was time. I was allowing myself room to let things work out on their own. I hadn’t purposely been looking for anything that night; I had just been unable to sleep. Thumbing around on craigslist was something I did when I was bored. I stumbled on a house sitting opportunity in Washington. I wasn’t sure what to do at first but it felt like a sign. I emailed the owners of the house. The opportunity was just too good not to at least try. It was a slim chance and I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up; so my Grandmother and I kept the emails to ourselves. I hadn’t wanted him to know just yet. I knew what he would say and doubted it would be encouraging. It was hard for me to keep the secret when I was so excited but I knew what would happen if people found out. They would have questions and I wouldn’t have answers. So I endured my silence. I knew the opportunity was going to cause me some confusion and a few complications but I hadn’t been prepared for what had come next…

Getting Comfortable

He was only in town for a few short days but we had spent every spare moment together. The younger me would have been afraid to see him leave, afraid to have him so far away and afraid he would tire of me like the times before. I had grown up now though; I was stronger and more confident. We were taking it slow, letting time go by. It seemed to be going well. He had changed a lot, as had I. We were spending time getting to know each other again and catching up on what we had missed. He had gotten married a few months after we had broken up. She got pregnant shortly after the marriage. With a baby on the way he felt the need to get his life back on track and started going back to church. He was ready to be responsible but she didn’t approve of his new changes and kicked him out of the house and her life. He then became unsure if the kid was his and though he wanted to help, she wouldn’t allow him near it. I know this had pained him and that the hurt had made him more considerate to others. He was finally everything I had wanted him to be. He called when he said he would and valued me the way he should have the first time around. We were both changed by the events of the past two years but it was making us a stronger couple. We were falling back into the comfortable routine of being with one another. We were working in a way we hadn’t before. There was no fighting or bickering. We listened and understood. It was so easy, like putting on my favorite pair of jeans. I could feel changes in myself also. I no longer had to force my lungs to fill with air; breathing became effortless once again. As if the vice grip on my lungs had been suddenly released. Life had taken on a more steady rhythm, following a soft melody rather than a few scattered notes on a page. I wanted to enjoy this new song but the nagging questions in the back of my mind threatened to darken the tune. I wanted him back and I wanted to believe in the romance so I ignored the reverberating sound of trouble knocking at my door… I felt a change coming. But what was there left to change?