The Whirlwind

I tried to hold the storm at bay, but it was too strong. The doubts rained down on me and flooded my mind with confusion. The whirlwind of questions spun in my head like a hurricane until I was dizzy and disoriented. I tried to focus; to take on one question at a time. It was like trying to pull a single flame from a raging forest fire. I could feel them burning me; each one begging to be paired with an answer. Was it me that he loved? He had told me that he had thought of me often; had missed me more than he could bear. But was it the strong me that he loved now or was it the fragile girl he had tossed away? The new me was nothing like the old. He wanted me to move closer to him if things worked out between us, after all I couldn’t expect him to move away from the responsibility of a child right? He had left me having been too scared of a commitment just to marry another girl. Even if he had realized his mistake, could I forgive and forget? I loved other people’s children for a living. Could I love his child and help raise it? I had replaced my dream of marriage with my dream of moving to Washington. Could I undo that dream? Could I give it up to be with him? Would I resent him later if I did? Would it be worth it? I had dropped everything for him before and it had only ended in disaster, could I drop everything for him again? Would it have the same outcome? What about my teeth? How was I going to find the money to get them fixed? How was I going to save the money for a trip? Could I be with him and still follow my dream? What meant more to me, him or the trip? The on slot of questions continued endlessly. It was like the storm had turned into an ocean of freezing water; its currents pulling me down as I thrashed. The answers I sought had become the air and I was flailing my limbs in an effort to reach them. I was slowly drowning it was all I could do to pull my head above the surface; choking and gurgling as I tried to cough up the answers. It was my choice to make, my questions to answer but what would I do?