The Whirlwind

I tried to hold the storm at bay, but it was too strong. The doubts rained down on me and flooded my mind with confusion. The whirlwind of questions spun in my head like a hurricane until I was dizzy and disoriented. I tried to focus; to take on one question at a time. It was like trying to pull a single flame from a raging forest fire. I could feel them burning me; each one begging to be paired with an answer. Was it me that he loved? He had told me that he had thought of me often; had missed me more than he could bear. But was it the strong me that he loved now or was it the fragile girl he had tossed away? The new me was nothing like the old. He wanted me to move closer to him if things worked out between us, after all I couldn’t expect him to move away from the responsibility of a child right? He had left me having been too scared of a commitment just to marry another girl. Even if he had realized his mistake, could I forgive and forget? I loved other people’s children for a living. Could I love his child and help raise it? I had replaced my dream of marriage with my dream of moving to Washington. Could I undo that dream? Could I give it up to be with him? Would I resent him later if I did? Would it be worth it? I had dropped everything for him before and it had only ended in disaster, could I drop everything for him again? Would it have the same outcome? What about my teeth? How was I going to find the money to get them fixed? How was I going to save the money for a trip? Could I be with him and still follow my dream? What meant more to me, him or the trip? The on slot of questions continued endlessly. It was like the storm had turned into an ocean of freezing water; its currents pulling me down as I thrashed. The answers I sought had become the air and I was flailing my limbs in an effort to reach them. I was slowly drowning it was all I could do to pull my head above the surface; choking and gurgling as I tried to cough up the answers. It was my choice to make, my questions to answer but what would I do?

A Bump in the Road

It got harder to keep my secret as the possibility for Washington got stronger. I was itching to tell people. On top of this itch I was having a sharp pain in the front of my mouth. I had always had problems with my teeth; I was born prematurely and without enough enamel. I had plenty of experience with dentist over the years and detested everything about them. I had been ignoring the pain for a few weeks. I was so busy and it was easy to distract myself from it but the pain continued to grow. Someone with a heart condition would not be advised to ignore a pain in their chest just as I should not have ignored the pain in my teeth. I avoided it mainly because I didn’t want another problem to deal with. The sharpness of the ache only grew and I knew I needed to get it checked. I had hoped that it was a minor problem but the tooth that was hurting had been traumatized in the past. I had damaged the tooth in sixth grade during a tickling war where I was accidently kneed in the mouth. It bent the front two teeth back and caused some major damage to the roots but the teeth remained intact and strong so the dentist at that time left them alone. They straightened out and were fine until high school when I had to have root canals on the two. I tell you this because the problem stems from that simple knee to the mouth into a full out dental disaster! How silly that this all happened so long ago and was now threatening my big opportunity. I caved and made an appointment. After a mouthful of x-rays and some poking the verdict was in, and it was neither minor nor cheap. The tooth was committing suicide in my mouth and had to be replaced. I needed an implant- a dental surgery that can cost upwards of four and five thousand dollars. That wasn’t a kink in my plan that was a full out nuclear bomb! I couldn’t pay for that and still go to Washington. What was life trying to show me and how was giving it time making anything better?! I needed a rain coat for my life… I had a feeling it was about to storm…

Keeping Secrets

Things seemed to be going well. The questions were still fogging my brain but I had done my best to push them to the back of my mind. There was no point in making fast decisions by throwing a handful of short fused dynamite at the situation. I stopped searching for a way to move to Washington. I didn’t know how it was all going to work out; I figured I would know the right thing to do when it was time. I was allowing myself room to let things work out on their own. I hadn’t purposely been looking for anything that night; I had just been unable to sleep. Thumbing around on craigslist was something I did when I was bored. I stumbled on a house sitting opportunity in Washington. I wasn’t sure what to do at first but it felt like a sign. I emailed the owners of the house. The opportunity was just too good not to at least try. It was a slim chance and I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up; so my Grandmother and I kept the emails to ourselves. I hadn’t wanted him to know just yet. I knew what he would say and doubted it would be encouraging. It was hard for me to keep the secret when I was so excited but I knew what would happen if people found out. They would have questions and I wouldn’t have answers. So I endured my silence. I knew the opportunity was going to cause me some confusion and a few complications but I hadn’t been prepared for what had come next…

Getting Comfortable

He was only in town for a few short days but we had spent every spare moment together. The younger me would have been afraid to see him leave, afraid to have him so far away and afraid he would tire of me like the times before. I had grown up now though; I was stronger and more confident. We were taking it slow, letting time go by. It seemed to be going well. He had changed a lot, as had I. We were spending time getting to know each other again and catching up on what we had missed. He had gotten married a few months after we had broken up. She got pregnant shortly after the marriage. With a baby on the way he felt the need to get his life back on track and started going back to church. He was ready to be responsible but she didn’t approve of his new changes and kicked him out of the house and her life. He then became unsure if the kid was his and though he wanted to help, she wouldn’t allow him near it. I know this had pained him and that the hurt had made him more considerate to others. He was finally everything I had wanted him to be. He called when he said he would and valued me the way he should have the first time around. We were both changed by the events of the past two years but it was making us a stronger couple. We were falling back into the comfortable routine of being with one another. We were working in a way we hadn’t before. There was no fighting or bickering. We listened and understood. It was so easy, like putting on my favorite pair of jeans. I could feel changes in myself also. I no longer had to force my lungs to fill with air; breathing became effortless once again. As if the vice grip on my lungs had been suddenly released. Life had taken on a more steady rhythm, following a soft melody rather than a few scattered notes on a page. I wanted to enjoy this new song but the nagging questions in the back of my mind threatened to darken the tune. I wanted him back and I wanted to believe in the romance so I ignored the reverberating sound of trouble knocking at my door… I felt a change coming. But what was there left to change?

The Impossible

Something I had reason to believe was impossible happened. It happened on June 1, 2010. A day that started out as ordinary as ever and ended with my world in a frenzy. I received a text message that afternoon. A seemingly harmless text that read “I am in town for a few days and I would like to see you.” The message was in my eyes friendly and I was sure it would be no problem at all to make time for a visit. The only problem being that I had no clue who had sent it and my phone did not recognize the number. I replied with a request of who it was and nearly hyperventilated when I read his name on the answering text. He was in town?! He wanted to see me?! Suddenly my whole week was booked. I couldn’t see him! How dare he even ask. He left my life in a total uproar and more than a year and a half later he just wants to visit me out of the blue after not having even said a word to me since! He had lost his mind. There was no way… But I knew myself too well and though my mind was screaming at me to turn my phone off and ignore him, my heart was begging me to hear him out. As usual my heart won. So I replied “Why?” Just because my heart won the battle didn’t mean I was going to be nice about it. No I was going to be as hard on him as I could. He answered that he only wanted to talk to me. Feeling defeated I called him and told him I would see him just once. He agreed and left his friends to meet me. As I drove to the place that we met (of course he chose to meet me there. Ugh!) I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world was I thinking! I had lost it! All these times I dreamed of what I would do if he ever tried to talk to me again and here I was chickening out. Giving him permission to see me! Wow did I have idiot tattooed on my forehead! How stupid of me!! The internal beat down continued until I parked my car next to his and got out. I took a deep breath and walked toward the man that once ruined my life and reminded myself I would never allow that to happen again. I reached him with a cold look on my face determined to make this as unpleasant for him as I could. He said hi and reached out for a hug that I smoothly dodged as I echoed his greeting. He kept his face still, though I knew he recognized my avoiding his touch, while he asked me to walk the pier. We made small talk with what have you been up tos and how have you beens. That was one thing about us.  We were always so close and though it had been years since we last talked it felt like it had only been hours. It angered me that I still enjoyed his company! I didn’t understand why, after everything he had put me through, I could still allow him to even breathe the same air as me let alone have a conversation that didn’t include any words of what a horrible person he was! The bitterness was raging in my mind but I was still being very civil. We ran out of small talk shortly and after a small window of silence he urged the conversation on into a new direction. A direction I had hoped not to go. It started with his “I have thought about you every day” but I quickly stopped him with my “you don’t get to say that to me.” He slowed his walk and I picked mine up but it only took him a second to recover and one step to match my stride. He continued the conversation and I allowed it this time. He said he really had thought of me, missed me, and had wanted to contact me but couldn’t let himself until now. When he finished his speech I stopped to stare him right in the eyes before repeating “you don’t get to say that to me.” I paused to be sure he understood I was serious and interrupted him before he could speak. “Not after what you did to me. I haven’t been able to breathe. I had to completely rebuild. And now. Now you think you can come back and say that to me. Just when I was beginning to be ok. No! You don’t get to say that to me.” He let me finish and the look in his eyes told me he understood. I had not planned to let him see he had hurt me. My plan was to play it off like he didn’t matter but I couldn’t lie. I knew that sometimes honesty was the best way and maybe he needed that. Maybe he needed to see that he had destroyed the girl I had once been. I allowed him to see that but to understand too that I was better for it. He would later tell me that when he saw me that night his first thought was that “man this woman doesn’t put up with anything anymore.” and he was right. We continued to walk and talk like old friends do. He continued to ease in small bits of how much he had needed to talk to me and the things he missed most about me and how much he enjoyed the new woman I had turned out to be. I used my chance to ask all of the questions that had stormed my mind in the days after he left and he graciously answered them all and accepted the blame for his own actions. He admitted his wrong doings and expressed how very sorry he was; something he had never really done before. I was curious as to what brought him into town from his new home over 12 hours away. He said that he came with the purpose to see me that he had been wondering how I was doing and if I had thought of him as often as he had thought of me. It was then that something occurred to me and I asked “when did you leave to come here?” He answered that he had left Thursday and it had taken him a few days to work up the courage to message me. I fell silent and his features began to worry until I explained. I had gotten this crazy feeling last Thursday. I had a break down something I had not had in a while. I realized. He had the urge to see me because I was slipping away from him and I had a fit last Thursday because part of me knew that he was coming. The truth is. He and I had always been in tune with each other. It was a bond I thought had been broken. It was what had kept us together for so long. Something I still don’t completely understand or even expect any one else to believe. But when I would start to tire of his behavior or lose interest it was like he knew. And suddenly just before I let go he would come back to me. He would paint this picture of love and beauty until he was sure I was hooked. Then return to his ways and begin to tire of me. It was the same thing with me though. It was as if I knew when I was losing him and I would return just in the nick of time. We were constantly falling in and out of love. Our love had it worked before would have been that of a fairy tale romance. Though we had this love so strong and though we were so in tune with each other we could never get it together enough to love each other at the same time. What a waste of a good romance novel I know! But maybe this time it would work. The night ended and I cursed myself for letting it begin in the first place because there I was again feeling at home to have him by my side. I forbid myself to enjoy his company or feel happy to hear his voice again and I was back to breaking all of my own rules. I didn’t know how on earth this was going to end but I had a feeling it would end in pain as it always did when he was around...

The Warning

I had been doing well with holding myself together. I had started living my life for me and formed dreams of my own. Everything had been on the right track, but we all have our setbacks and it seemed I was due for one of my own. The problem came out of nowhere and without any warning at all. I went from being fine one day to being emotionally torn apart the next. It was Thursday May the 27^th and for some unknown reason I went back to the way things were before. I was suddenly struck with the strong emotions I had felt after first being left. Wondering why I wasn’t good enough and feeling physical pain over it. It had been a quiet some time since I had been overtaken by the force of these feelings.  But here they were in my face again. And I had thought I had been doing so well! I attempted to sleep and after a long struggle I did. I awoke the next morning feeling fine… what was wrong with me? It would be another week before I would get the answer to that question. And it was not the answer I would have wanted to hear…

The Silent Battle

I am going to rewind the story back a few months for the next few posts in order to explain some thoughts I had during The Journey and a few events that occurred before The Opportunity. These events play into the story later on and will help in the understanding of those that have yet to be said...

During the time of healing and I think even after I had convinced myself I was recovered I had only really wanted one thing. I would never admit it to myself or anyone else but in the back of my head I acknowledged the small voice of my heart quietly wishing the he would come back to me. I wanted him to come back to save and shelter me from this life of uncertainty. To take me back to the world I once knew so well, a world so easy to live in. Part of me wanted this so badly but the other part of me feared what would happen if he did return. It was a war between the two pieces of me. On one hand I was a fearless and strong new woman that needed no helping hand from any man. I knew how to make myself happy and make decisions on my own. On the other hand I was a simple young girl holding on to a dream and a fairytale that I so wanted to be true. In his absence there was no choice to be made but if he returned… I would have to choose who I wanted to be more, which life I wanted to lead. I feared his return but I feared the decision I would have to make even more. The battle was a pointless one because I knew he would never return. I don’t know why the thought even crossed my mind but never-the-less it did. At the time I didn’t understand why that small part of me hoped, but looking back now I think it was because that small part of me knew….