The Impossible

Something I had reason to believe was impossible happened. It happened on June 1, 2010. A day that started out as ordinary as ever and ended with my world in a frenzy. I received a text message that afternoon. A seemingly harmless text that read “I am in town for a few days and I would like to see you.” The message was in my eyes friendly and I was sure it would be no problem at all to make time for a visit. The only problem being that I had no clue who had sent it and my phone did not recognize the number. I replied with a request of who it was and nearly hyperventilated when I read his name on the answering text. He was in town?! He wanted to see me?! Suddenly my whole week was booked. I couldn’t see him! How dare he even ask. He left my life in a total uproar and more than a year and a half later he just wants to visit me out of the blue after not having even said a word to me since! He had lost his mind. There was no way… But I knew myself too well and though my mind was screaming at me to turn my phone off and ignore him, my heart was begging me to hear him out. As usual my heart won. So I replied “Why?” Just because my heart won the battle didn’t mean I was going to be nice about it. No I was going to be as hard on him as I could. He answered that he only wanted to talk to me. Feeling defeated I called him and told him I would see him just once. He agreed and left his friends to meet me. As I drove to the place that we met (of course he chose to meet me there. Ugh!) I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world was I thinking! I had lost it! All these times I dreamed of what I would do if he ever tried to talk to me again and here I was chickening out. Giving him permission to see me! Wow did I have idiot tattooed on my forehead! How stupid of me!! The internal beat down continued until I parked my car next to his and got out. I took a deep breath and walked toward the man that once ruined my life and reminded myself I would never allow that to happen again. I reached him with a cold look on my face determined to make this as unpleasant for him as I could. He said hi and reached out for a hug that I smoothly dodged as I echoed his greeting. He kept his face still, though I knew he recognized my avoiding his touch, while he asked me to walk the pier. We made small talk with what have you been up tos and how have you beens. That was one thing about us.  We were always so close and though it had been years since we last talked it felt like it had only been hours. It angered me that I still enjoyed his company! I didn’t understand why, after everything he had put me through, I could still allow him to even breathe the same air as me let alone have a conversation that didn’t include any words of what a horrible person he was! The bitterness was raging in my mind but I was still being very civil. We ran out of small talk shortly and after a small window of silence he urged the conversation on into a new direction. A direction I had hoped not to go. It started with his “I have thought about you every day” but I quickly stopped him with my “you don’t get to say that to me.” He slowed his walk and I picked mine up but it only took him a second to recover and one step to match my stride. He continued the conversation and I allowed it this time. He said he really had thought of me, missed me, and had wanted to contact me but couldn’t let himself until now. When he finished his speech I stopped to stare him right in the eyes before repeating “you don’t get to say that to me.” I paused to be sure he understood I was serious and interrupted him before he could speak. “Not after what you did to me. I haven’t been able to breathe. I had to completely rebuild. And now. Now you think you can come back and say that to me. Just when I was beginning to be ok. No! You don’t get to say that to me.” He let me finish and the look in his eyes told me he understood. I had not planned to let him see he had hurt me. My plan was to play it off like he didn’t matter but I couldn’t lie. I knew that sometimes honesty was the best way and maybe he needed that. Maybe he needed to see that he had destroyed the girl I had once been. I allowed him to see that but to understand too that I was better for it. He would later tell me that when he saw me that night his first thought was that “man this woman doesn’t put up with anything anymore.” and he was right. We continued to walk and talk like old friends do. He continued to ease in small bits of how much he had needed to talk to me and the things he missed most about me and how much he enjoyed the new woman I had turned out to be. I used my chance to ask all of the questions that had stormed my mind in the days after he left and he graciously answered them all and accepted the blame for his own actions. He admitted his wrong doings and expressed how very sorry he was; something he had never really done before. I was curious as to what brought him into town from his new home over 12 hours away. He said that he came with the purpose to see me that he had been wondering how I was doing and if I had thought of him as often as he had thought of me. It was then that something occurred to me and I asked “when did you leave to come here?” He answered that he had left Thursday and it had taken him a few days to work up the courage to message me. I fell silent and his features began to worry until I explained. I had gotten this crazy feeling last Thursday. I had a break down something I had not had in a while. I realized. He had the urge to see me because I was slipping away from him and I had a fit last Thursday because part of me knew that he was coming. The truth is. He and I had always been in tune with each other. It was a bond I thought had been broken. It was what had kept us together for so long. Something I still don’t completely understand or even expect any one else to believe. But when I would start to tire of his behavior or lose interest it was like he knew. And suddenly just before I let go he would come back to me. He would paint this picture of love and beauty until he was sure I was hooked. Then return to his ways and begin to tire of me. It was the same thing with me though. It was as if I knew when I was losing him and I would return just in the nick of time. We were constantly falling in and out of love. Our love had it worked before would have been that of a fairy tale romance. Though we had this love so strong and though we were so in tune with each other we could never get it together enough to love each other at the same time. What a waste of a good romance novel I know! But maybe this time it would work. The night ended and I cursed myself for letting it begin in the first place because there I was again feeling at home to have him by my side. I forbid myself to enjoy his company or feel happy to hear his voice again and I was back to breaking all of my own rules. I didn’t know how on earth this was going to end but I had a feeling it would end in pain as it always did when he was around...

The Warning

I had been doing well with holding myself together. I had started living my life for me and formed dreams of my own. Everything had been on the right track, but we all have our setbacks and it seemed I was due for one of my own. The problem came out of nowhere and without any warning at all. I went from being fine one day to being emotionally torn apart the next. It was Thursday May the 27^th and for some unknown reason I went back to the way things were before. I was suddenly struck with the strong emotions I had felt after first being left. Wondering why I wasn’t good enough and feeling physical pain over it. It had been a quiet some time since I had been overtaken by the force of these feelings.  But here they were in my face again. And I had thought I had been doing so well! I attempted to sleep and after a long struggle I did. I awoke the next morning feeling fine… what was wrong with me? It would be another week before I would get the answer to that question. And it was not the answer I would have wanted to hear…

The Silent Battle

I am going to rewind the story back a few months for the next few posts in order to explain some thoughts I had during The Journey and a few events that occurred before The Opportunity. These events play into the story later on and will help in the understanding of those that have yet to be said...

During the time of healing and I think even after I had convinced myself I was recovered I had only really wanted one thing. I would never admit it to myself or anyone else but in the back of my head I acknowledged the small voice of my heart quietly wishing the he would come back to me. I wanted him to come back to save and shelter me from this life of uncertainty. To take me back to the world I once knew so well, a world so easy to live in. Part of me wanted this so badly but the other part of me feared what would happen if he did return. It was a war between the two pieces of me. On one hand I was a fearless and strong new woman that needed no helping hand from any man. I knew how to make myself happy and make decisions on my own. On the other hand I was a simple young girl holding on to a dream and a fairytale that I so wanted to be true. In his absence there was no choice to be made but if he returned… I would have to choose who I wanted to be more, which life I wanted to lead. I feared his return but I feared the decision I would have to make even more. The battle was a pointless one because I knew he would never return. I don’t know why the thought even crossed my mind but never-the-less it did. At the time I didn’t understand why that small part of me hoped, but looking back now I think it was because that small part of me knew….