The Whirlwind

I tried to hold the storm at bay, but it was too strong. The doubts rained down on me and flooded my mind with confusion. The whirlwind of questions spun in my head like a hurricane until I was dizzy and disoriented. I tried to focus; to take on one question at a time. It was like trying to pull a single flame from a raging forest fire. I could feel them burning me; each one begging to be paired with an answer. Was it me that he loved? He had told me that he had thought of me often; had missed me more than he could bear. But was it the strong me that he loved now or was it the fragile girl he had tossed away? The new me was nothing like the old. He wanted me to move closer to him if things worked out between us, after all I couldn’t expect him to move away from the responsibility of a child right? He had left me having been too scared of a commitment just to marry another girl. Even if he had realized his mistake, could I forgive and forget? I loved other people’s children for a living. Could I love his child and help raise it? I had replaced my dream of marriage with my dream of moving to Washington. Could I undo that dream? Could I give it up to be with him? Would I resent him later if I did? Would it be worth it? I had dropped everything for him before and it had only ended in disaster, could I drop everything for him again? Would it have the same outcome? What about my teeth? How was I going to find the money to get them fixed? How was I going to save the money for a trip? Could I be with him and still follow my dream? What meant more to me, him or the trip? The on slot of questions continued endlessly. It was like the storm had turned into an ocean of freezing water; its currents pulling me down as I thrashed. The answers I sought had become the air and I was flailing my limbs in an effort to reach them. I was slowly drowning it was all I could do to pull my head above the surface; choking and gurgling as I tried to cough up the answers. It was my choice to make, my questions to answer but what would I do?

A Bump in the Road

It got harder to keep my secret as the possibility for Washington got stronger. I was itching to tell people. On top of this itch I was having a sharp pain in the front of my mouth. I had always had problems with my teeth; I was born prematurely and without enough enamel. I had plenty of experience with dentist over the years and detested everything about them. I had been ignoring the pain for a few weeks. I was so busy and it was easy to distract myself from it but the pain continued to grow. Someone with a heart condition would not be advised to ignore a pain in their chest just as I should not have ignored the pain in my teeth. I avoided it mainly because I didn’t want another problem to deal with. The sharpness of the ache only grew and I knew I needed to get it checked. I had hoped that it was a minor problem but the tooth that was hurting had been traumatized in the past. I had damaged the tooth in sixth grade during a tickling war where I was accidently kneed in the mouth. It bent the front two teeth back and caused some major damage to the roots but the teeth remained intact and strong so the dentist at that time left them alone. They straightened out and were fine until high school when I had to have root canals on the two. I tell you this because the problem stems from that simple knee to the mouth into a full out dental disaster! How silly that this all happened so long ago and was now threatening my big opportunity. I caved and made an appointment. After a mouthful of x-rays and some poking the verdict was in, and it was neither minor nor cheap. The tooth was committing suicide in my mouth and had to be replaced. I needed an implant- a dental surgery that can cost upwards of four and five thousand dollars. That wasn’t a kink in my plan that was a full out nuclear bomb! I couldn’t pay for that and still go to Washington. What was life trying to show me and how was giving it time making anything better?! I needed a rain coat for my life… I had a feeling it was about to storm…

Keeping Secrets

Things seemed to be going well. The questions were still fogging my brain but I had done my best to push them to the back of my mind. There was no point in making fast decisions by throwing a handful of short fused dynamite at the situation. I stopped searching for a way to move to Washington. I didn’t know how it was all going to work out; I figured I would know the right thing to do when it was time. I was allowing myself room to let things work out on their own. I hadn’t purposely been looking for anything that night; I had just been unable to sleep. Thumbing around on craigslist was something I did when I was bored. I stumbled on a house sitting opportunity in Washington. I wasn’t sure what to do at first but it felt like a sign. I emailed the owners of the house. The opportunity was just too good not to at least try. It was a slim chance and I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up; so my Grandmother and I kept the emails to ourselves. I hadn’t wanted him to know just yet. I knew what he would say and doubted it would be encouraging. It was hard for me to keep the secret when I was so excited but I knew what would happen if people found out. They would have questions and I wouldn’t have answers. So I endured my silence. I knew the opportunity was going to cause me some confusion and a few complications but I hadn’t been prepared for what had come next…

Getting Comfortable

He was only in town for a few short days but we had spent every spare moment together. The younger me would have been afraid to see him leave, afraid to have him so far away and afraid he would tire of me like the times before. I had grown up now though; I was stronger and more confident. We were taking it slow, letting time go by. It seemed to be going well. He had changed a lot, as had I. We were spending time getting to know each other again and catching up on what we had missed. He had gotten married a few months after we had broken up. She got pregnant shortly after the marriage. With a baby on the way he felt the need to get his life back on track and started going back to church. He was ready to be responsible but she didn’t approve of his new changes and kicked him out of the house and her life. He then became unsure if the kid was his and though he wanted to help, she wouldn’t allow him near it. I know this had pained him and that the hurt had made him more considerate to others. He was finally everything I had wanted him to be. He called when he said he would and valued me the way he should have the first time around. We were both changed by the events of the past two years but it was making us a stronger couple. We were falling back into the comfortable routine of being with one another. We were working in a way we hadn’t before. There was no fighting or bickering. We listened and understood. It was so easy, like putting on my favorite pair of jeans. I could feel changes in myself also. I no longer had to force my lungs to fill with air; breathing became effortless once again. As if the vice grip on my lungs had been suddenly released. Life had taken on a more steady rhythm, following a soft melody rather than a few scattered notes on a page. I wanted to enjoy this new song but the nagging questions in the back of my mind threatened to darken the tune. I wanted him back and I wanted to believe in the romance so I ignored the reverberating sound of trouble knocking at my door… I felt a change coming. But what was there left to change?

The Impossible

Something I had reason to believe was impossible happened. It happened on June 1, 2010. A day that started out as ordinary as ever and ended with my world in a frenzy. I received a text message that afternoon. A seemingly harmless text that read “I am in town for a few days and I would like to see you.” The message was in my eyes friendly and I was sure it would be no problem at all to make time for a visit. The only problem being that I had no clue who had sent it and my phone did not recognize the number. I replied with a request of who it was and nearly hyperventilated when I read his name on the answering text. He was in town?! He wanted to see me?! Suddenly my whole week was booked. I couldn’t see him! How dare he even ask. He left my life in a total uproar and more than a year and a half later he just wants to visit me out of the blue after not having even said a word to me since! He had lost his mind. There was no way… But I knew myself too well and though my mind was screaming at me to turn my phone off and ignore him, my heart was begging me to hear him out. As usual my heart won. So I replied “Why?” Just because my heart won the battle didn’t mean I was going to be nice about it. No I was going to be as hard on him as I could. He answered that he only wanted to talk to me. Feeling defeated I called him and told him I would see him just once. He agreed and left his friends to meet me. As I drove to the place that we met (of course he chose to meet me there. Ugh!) I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world was I thinking! I had lost it! All these times I dreamed of what I would do if he ever tried to talk to me again and here I was chickening out. Giving him permission to see me! Wow did I have idiot tattooed on my forehead! How stupid of me!! The internal beat down continued until I parked my car next to his and got out. I took a deep breath and walked toward the man that once ruined my life and reminded myself I would never allow that to happen again. I reached him with a cold look on my face determined to make this as unpleasant for him as I could. He said hi and reached out for a hug that I smoothly dodged as I echoed his greeting. He kept his face still, though I knew he recognized my avoiding his touch, while he asked me to walk the pier. We made small talk with what have you been up tos and how have you beens. That was one thing about us.  We were always so close and though it had been years since we last talked it felt like it had only been hours. It angered me that I still enjoyed his company! I didn’t understand why, after everything he had put me through, I could still allow him to even breathe the same air as me let alone have a conversation that didn’t include any words of what a horrible person he was! The bitterness was raging in my mind but I was still being very civil. We ran out of small talk shortly and after a small window of silence he urged the conversation on into a new direction. A direction I had hoped not to go. It started with his “I have thought about you every day” but I quickly stopped him with my “you don’t get to say that to me.” He slowed his walk and I picked mine up but it only took him a second to recover and one step to match my stride. He continued the conversation and I allowed it this time. He said he really had thought of me, missed me, and had wanted to contact me but couldn’t let himself until now. When he finished his speech I stopped to stare him right in the eyes before repeating “you don’t get to say that to me.” I paused to be sure he understood I was serious and interrupted him before he could speak. “Not after what you did to me. I haven’t been able to breathe. I had to completely rebuild. And now. Now you think you can come back and say that to me. Just when I was beginning to be ok. No! You don’t get to say that to me.” He let me finish and the look in his eyes told me he understood. I had not planned to let him see he had hurt me. My plan was to play it off like he didn’t matter but I couldn’t lie. I knew that sometimes honesty was the best way and maybe he needed that. Maybe he needed to see that he had destroyed the girl I had once been. I allowed him to see that but to understand too that I was better for it. He would later tell me that when he saw me that night his first thought was that “man this woman doesn’t put up with anything anymore.” and he was right. We continued to walk and talk like old friends do. He continued to ease in small bits of how much he had needed to talk to me and the things he missed most about me and how much he enjoyed the new woman I had turned out to be. I used my chance to ask all of the questions that had stormed my mind in the days after he left and he graciously answered them all and accepted the blame for his own actions. He admitted his wrong doings and expressed how very sorry he was; something he had never really done before. I was curious as to what brought him into town from his new home over 12 hours away. He said that he came with the purpose to see me that he had been wondering how I was doing and if I had thought of him as often as he had thought of me. It was then that something occurred to me and I asked “when did you leave to come here?” He answered that he had left Thursday and it had taken him a few days to work up the courage to message me. I fell silent and his features began to worry until I explained. I had gotten this crazy feeling last Thursday. I had a break down something I had not had in a while. I realized. He had the urge to see me because I was slipping away from him and I had a fit last Thursday because part of me knew that he was coming. The truth is. He and I had always been in tune with each other. It was a bond I thought had been broken. It was what had kept us together for so long. Something I still don’t completely understand or even expect any one else to believe. But when I would start to tire of his behavior or lose interest it was like he knew. And suddenly just before I let go he would come back to me. He would paint this picture of love and beauty until he was sure I was hooked. Then return to his ways and begin to tire of me. It was the same thing with me though. It was as if I knew when I was losing him and I would return just in the nick of time. We were constantly falling in and out of love. Our love had it worked before would have been that of a fairy tale romance. Though we had this love so strong and though we were so in tune with each other we could never get it together enough to love each other at the same time. What a waste of a good romance novel I know! But maybe this time it would work. The night ended and I cursed myself for letting it begin in the first place because there I was again feeling at home to have him by my side. I forbid myself to enjoy his company or feel happy to hear his voice again and I was back to breaking all of my own rules. I didn’t know how on earth this was going to end but I had a feeling it would end in pain as it always did when he was around...

The Warning

I had been doing well with holding myself together. I had started living my life for me and formed dreams of my own. Everything had been on the right track, but we all have our setbacks and it seemed I was due for one of my own. The problem came out of nowhere and without any warning at all. I went from being fine one day to being emotionally torn apart the next. It was Thursday May the 27^th and for some unknown reason I went back to the way things were before. I was suddenly struck with the strong emotions I had felt after first being left. Wondering why I wasn’t good enough and feeling physical pain over it. It had been a quiet some time since I had been overtaken by the force of these feelings.  But here they were in my face again. And I had thought I had been doing so well! I attempted to sleep and after a long struggle I did. I awoke the next morning feeling fine… what was wrong with me? It would be another week before I would get the answer to that question. And it was not the answer I would have wanted to hear…

The Silent Battle

I am going to rewind the story back a few months for the next few posts in order to explain some thoughts I had during The Journey and a few events that occurred before The Opportunity. These events play into the story later on and will help in the understanding of those that have yet to be said...

During the time of healing and I think even after I had convinced myself I was recovered I had only really wanted one thing. I would never admit it to myself or anyone else but in the back of my head I acknowledged the small voice of my heart quietly wishing the he would come back to me. I wanted him to come back to save and shelter me from this life of uncertainty. To take me back to the world I once knew so well, a world so easy to live in. Part of me wanted this so badly but the other part of me feared what would happen if he did return. It was a war between the two pieces of me. On one hand I was a fearless and strong new woman that needed no helping hand from any man. I knew how to make myself happy and make decisions on my own. On the other hand I was a simple young girl holding on to a dream and a fairytale that I so wanted to be true. In his absence there was no choice to be made but if he returned… I would have to choose who I wanted to be more, which life I wanted to lead. I feared his return but I feared the decision I would have to make even more. The battle was a pointless one because I knew he would never return. I don’t know why the thought even crossed my mind but never-the-less it did. At the time I didn’t understand why that small part of me hoped, but looking back now I think it was because that small part of me knew….

The Opportunity

Dreams are silly but sometimes with a little help they do come true.

This is the story of how two strangers changed my life...

It was late at night on July 27, 2010. I had accidentally opened the wrong link; a link that would completely alter my life. The page opened up and there in bold print was the chance I had been looking for. It read:  2br - Waterfront Cottage/Petsit (Dec 1, 2010-March 31, 2011) (Hood Canal) I couldn’t believe my eyes. I opened the link further to get a better idea on the deal. It was what I had been waiting for. It was too late at night to do much about it but I was too excited to keep it to myself. I called one of my best friends to share the news. I told her all of the details I could find on the webpage and we gushed about how perfect an opportunity that would be. I should have been getting to bed but the phone call had only added to my excitement. So in an effort to calm myself down I typed a letter to the owners of the house begging for the opportunity. I pleaded my case and at the end of the email I signed it with “Dreams are silly but sometimes with a little help they do come true.” I sent the email the next morning and waited impatiently for a response. It was almost too good to be true and part of me didn’t expect to hear back from them or to get a letter of apology about the position already being filled. To my surprise I did receive an answer back and thankfully it was a good one. The email explained that they had not made a final decision yet and asked for more information on myself. I knew this could be my way in if only I could convince them to give me the chance. I answered back as quickly as I could and with as much heart felt sincerity that I could find. I explained some more about myself and my story. At the end I placed my cell phone number in case they wanted to call and speak with me and then thanked them for their consideration. I held my breath and crossed my fingers when I hit the send key. I didn’t know if that would help but I was sure willing to try it.  I received a new email from them the next day. They thanked me for writing back and disclosed some more information about the house and animals as well as some other details. She said that they would call me sometime and at the bottom they sent an application for me to fill out for if I remained interested. Ha! Of course I was interested! So I wasted no time in getting the application filled out and mailed off. During that time I received a call from the husband and spoke with him on more of the details. I was thrilled to be in such contact with them but I was constantly scared they would choose someone else. Not too long after the phone call, I received a new email. This one stated that they were worried about me feeling isolated in the house alone but that they had done similar things in their twenties. I responded trying to console their fears though I was a little nervous that they were starting to change their minds. My message must have worked because the next one I got back seemed a bit brighter and not so littered with worries. I was careful not to let myself get too excited throughout the whole process; I was deathly afraid that it wouldn’t work out. I waited while they went over my application and reviewed my references. It felt like an eternity but in all actuality it was only a view days. I was elated to hear back from them that the application looked good and that the lease agreement would be in the mail. I was so close to my dream come true. The last step was to sign the agreement and mail it back. I did that with joy in my heart and a smile on my face. The deal was complete. It had started July 28^th and finished by August 20^th a small amount of time considering what it meant for me. I WAS GOING TO WASHINGTON!! And no one could take it away but that didn’t stop them from trying to make it as difficult as possible...

 Mailing the agreement.

The Journey

Where there is a will there is a way… especially if you are stubborn and persistent. This is the story of my never ending effort to get to where I wanted to go…

I wanted to get back to Washington and I had numerous ideas on just how I was going to get there. I went with what would be the obvious answer first: School. I needed to get back into school so why not kill two birds with one stone. We had seen a few of the colleges in Washington; enough for me to know which ones were acceptable and which ones were not. I was quick to fill out my applications online, send my transcripts, and mail my essays. Going back to school was a great thing for me… though I wasn’t sure what exactly I would be going for… I guessed that would just have to come later. This was my first plan to get back to Washington; it would have been a great one if out of state tuition wasn’t so high. Tried as I could; I couldn’t find a way around having to get a ton of student loans and reluctantly decided that going to school might have been an obvious answer but it wasn’t the most practical. I wasn’t throwing the towel in yet though. My second plan of action was to save as much money as I could and just go. I knew this plan had some flaws in its design. Such as how would I know where I wanted to live and could I find a job that made enough money to support my staying. This plan didn’t last long. I was able to refine it into a slightly smarter version. I decided I would go to school to get a certificate in medical transcription before leaving. The certificate would help me get a steady good paying job in Washington so that I could move. The program only lasted two years but in my eyes it seemed like that would be a decade! I didn’t like the long wait but I was trying to make a smart decision. This plan may have been more mature but it too would run into some problems. Once again the factors of student loans and having to take on even more debt became a problem. I needed a way to go to school debt free and let’s face it; there was no rich person there to hand me the money to go. I began to consider something I would never had seen as an option before. I began to consider the Navy. They would pay for my school, pay me while I worked and let me travel all at the same time. It sounded like a good deal to me. My ending goal was still the same. I would save all the money that I made in the four years I served in order to go to Washington when I was finished. The longer wait was hard to get over but I couldn’t argue that this was the best option for me. So I went through the process of the health exams and other test so that the Navy could consider what jobs to offer me. I was offered plenty of intelligence jobs but not the one I wanted so, with the advice of a great recruiter, I decided to wait a month or two for more jobs to open up and them come back to sign a contract. But as the time passed I started to think that maybe not getting the job I had wanted had been a sign that I wasn’t on the right path. I have always believed that what is meant to happen will find away. I decided to give myself a little more time to consider such a big commitment. I was growing tired of waiting and my dream seemed so far away but I was determined to get there. My mother had always told me “Que sera, sera; whatever will be, will be.” It was hard to trust time to bring me what I so desperately needed but I realized there was really no other way. So I allowed my frantic hunt to slow down and give myself time to think. Backing off I could handle but I could never completely forget it. I continued to job and apartment search on Craig’s List from time to time. It was late one night and I couldn’t sleep so naturally I was playing on the internet. It had been a while since I had checked the listings on Craig’s List so I pulled the website up. I meant to click on rooms/shared but in my sleepy hast I clicked sublets/temporary. It was one of the best mistakes of my life because there in bold print was my dream come true!!

The Dream

The vacation might have been the final step in my process of shedding the old me and owning the new but it wasn’t the end of my story by any means. In fact it was the start of a new one…

I had managed numerous wants and needs of my own as well as a few short term goals. I was too afraid of any long term goals. I had never had to ask myself what it was that I wanted for my future. I had never been alone enough for that question to matter. But now I was faced with it and it was a scary question to answer. Washington took away the fear I had been feeling towards that question. I didn’t know how or when but I wanted to go back to Washington for more than a week. I wanted to be home again and to continue exploring myself there. It was the start of a beautiful dream; one that I could take pride in; one that was all my own. And so the journey began...

Washington... My hearts desire.

The Vacation

“The Dream” in the making:

The fog that had been clouding my vision was lifting and dealing with the pain was no longer an everyday chore. My life was becoming my own as I was growing into a new person. The new me realized I was living my life based on what other people thought it should be; so I started asking myself what it was that I wanted for me. It started with small things like a pair of shoes or a new dress and eventually branched out to bigger things such as a new car. I was slowly learning to make my life about me. I had never been on a real vacation, at least not one that I could remember, so I set my sights on a west coast get-a-way. I had always wanted to see the west coast as a child and could think of nothing better to give myself as one of the final steps in my healing process. In August of 2009, my grandmother and I boarded our plane Seattle bound. The first flight was short between Pensacola and Atlanta; it only lasted about an hour. We ended up missing our connection in Atlanta due to delays In Pensacola and had to be flown to Baltimore to catch the next flight to Seattle.  We landed in Baltimore around 2 a.m. and had to wait about 5 hours for our next flight. The airport was completely empty with only the noise of the loud speaker playing the security code warning. By the end of our wait we could both recite the warning word for word. It was not a fun five hour wait but the time did pass and eventually we got on our flight to Seattle. The flight was long and the seats were uncomfortable the way flights usually are. Landing in Seattle was a great feeling after a long 24 hours of being in airports. It was great until we realized that though we had made it to Seattle our bags had stayed in Atlanta. No big deal right? It’s not like I wanted to change out of the nasty clothes I had on. We were on a schedule though and it had been delayed enough so we left and the airline had to send the bags to our hotel at their own expense. Relief was not the only thing I felt once we finally got out of the airport and on our way to the Olympic Peninsula; I felt home. Home is a rare feeling for me and even though I love the town I was raised in I am not sure it has ever felt like home. I have always had a hard time feeling like I was where I belonged. But as we were driving through the hills I felt it. Despite the sleep deprivation, I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be, right when I was supposed to be there. The feeling only grew as I fell in love with Lake Crescent, the Pacific Ocean, the mountains and the rainforest. The vacation was able to give me a real life safety zone. I was able to put away any harmful memories and make all new ones. Washington was everything I needed; the last puzzle piece of the new me falling into place. A vision of the freedom I had found and a symbol of the new beginning I deserved…

The Safety Zone

The story of a hiding place that allowed me to slowly cope:

I am a “suck it up and keep going” kind of woman so it angered me that the break up took such a toll on me and that the affect lasted longer than I thought it should. I didn’t want to face the problem I just wanted it gone; but anyone with experience knows that doesn’t work well. I needed to confront the issue and deal with it in small doses but there were two problems with that. For one, at the time, I didn’t realize that was what needed to be done and two I didn’t know how to do it. I did however want to get away from it and somehow in my attempt to run away I ran right into the thing I needed most, a safety zone. I found this zone in books. I was never a reader. In high school English was the class I feared the most. If it hadn’t been for the movies of the books we were suppose to read I would not have passed the classes. Which makes my safety zone even odder, but at least it worked. The books gave me a separate world I could go to that was all my own. A place where there were no memories of first love and first heartbreak. My first real chance to quietly sort out the “real” world I was so desperately trying to hide from. I found this hiding place in a certain set of books, the name of which I will not mention. The pain that tightened my chest and made it hard to breathe would disappear when I picked up these books. I read them as often as I could and completed the series numerous times. If I wasn’t working or sleeping then I was reading. I was able to slowly come to terms with what had happened by using the books to dull the pain. I give these books the credit for calming the storm that was my life at the time and still resort back to them in times of stress. Feeling comfort and peace within their pages and at home in the pictures the words so eloquently paint. The sense of home I found in those pictures made me long to feel at home in the real world, something I hadn’t felt in many years. This longing inspired a vacation and a journey that would lead me to the home I had been searching for.

The Second Ring

The story of a life saving, every day reminder:

The second ring has been a fixture to the process I have been referring to. Its story starts at the “beginning” when I chose to give my engagement ring back to him at the end of the relationship. A stupid choice from what I have been told but at the time I was too shocked to care. He rode off into the sunset, my rings in hand, leaving me with a tall bill to pay and a useless men’s wedding band.  I was quick to find that nothing about weddings is refundable but had hopes that maybe the small fortune I had spent on his ring could be returned. I walked into Kay Jewelers with the bitter taste of his absence fresh in my mouth to return the tainted piece of jewelry. Kay’s was quick to give their condolences but not their money, of course a refund was too much to ask, though they did offer to exchange his ring for one of my choice. I didn’t figure that to be a bad deal, seeing as how his ring was of no use to me. In fact, the idea of owning a new ring made me realize it felt odd not to be wearing the other one anymore; and, if I am being honest, it was the least I deserved after all of this drama. I cheerfully picked a new ring in the color of my birthstone to be ordered and sized. It took a week or so for my new ring to be prepared as I waited impatiently to be rid of his wedding band and painful reminder. I went with excitement when the time came to make the exchange. As I put my ring on my hand and gave them his a string of thoughts entered my head: “Man that was easy… Nothing about weddings is refundable but this isn’t a half bad deal… It’s almost too easy!” And as the smile I thought had been lost began to appear on my face I was interrupted by a voice. “I am sorry but this ring (his) was purchased more than 90 days ago the time for exchanges has past. Of course you are more than welcome to buy that on if you would like.” The smile quickly faded as I handed them my shiny prize and took back the cursed symbol of love. I couldn’t afford to buy a new ring on top of all the wedding bills I was having to pay off. It seemed so unfair that he was still taking things from me long after he had walked away. But there was no reason to argue with the jewelers so I made my exit feeling the wounds he had made throb again. I continued to pine for my perfect ring as the months flew by but I did not mention it until my birthday. I don’t remember how the conversation with my co-worker/ mentor started; it must have been about what I wanted for my birthday. I told her about the story of my second ring with sadness and admitted that I still wished it could be mine. She was quick to understand my pain as well as to ask the obvious question. “Why don’t you just buy the ring for yourself?”….. My answer was simple “I shouldn’t waste that much money.” What she said next completely changed the path I was taking and put me on the one that led me to where I am today. She told me to buy the ring and before I could interrupt with an excuse as to why that was wrong she explained why. The explanation, in short, was that I should get the ring as a gift to myself, as symbol that I valued myself and as a reminder that my life was about me and making myself happy. She said you could call it your “about me” ring. Needless to say her speech had me sold on the idea. I checked the internet that night to see if the ring was still in stock but sadly it could not be found. I was sad not to find it online but wanted to believe that maybe the one I had ordered had survived Valentines Day at my local store. It was a far fetched idea but I clung to it as I drove to the jewelers. I searched the glass cases with desperation and was elated when my eyes fell upon it. Not only had it made it through the holidays, it was on sale!!! That was fate enough for me. I paid the bill and slid the ring onto my finger. It fit better than I imagined. I now slide that ring onto my finger every morning. It gives me the strength to love myself for who I am and live my life for me. It is the second ring to be on my hand and a reminder of the second chance I have at life. It is proof of a happy ending.

The Process

Everyone has a different way of dealing with tough times. This is the story of my own process to deal with the change and my steps towards the new me.

The time following the break up was brutal. Everywhere I looked was a reminder of him; every park, every restaurant, every road was a painful reminder. At night my dreams were invaded by stories of him returning and happy endings that would never happen.  Not even sleep could provide an escape. Recovering wasn’t easy, and though I tried to hide my pain, the people closest to me could tell. The first few months after the break up were filled with trying to find a new guy to help me forget about my ex fiancé, and pretending like nothing happened. I was trying to convince myself I didn’t care but my business as usual charade grew tiring quickly. I had to scale back the “happy” production by only pretending at work to keep myself from wearing out, but this meant I went crazy at home. I was now in my “time to run” stage.  I was ready to get away from anything that was a reminder of what use to be; hoping that if I could get away from the places the memories and the pain they brought would fade away. I can’t say what it looked like from the outside, but this was one of the toughest stages on the inside. I felt like I was in a hole that was way too deep and I was uselessly clawing to get out. I had no idea how to get myself out of this stage of desperation.  I stayed locked in this place for what seemed like eternity. I went to work and faked a smile, came home and crawled in bed. I had given up on getting out of the hole and decided to just live in it. Some where in all of this I found out my ex fiancé was now married to someone else; I wasn’t worth the commitment but I guess she was. This pushed me to my breaking point. I hit rock bottom. The bottom was a better feeling than the limbo of not knowing if it would get worst. It was as bad as it could get; there was nothing left to fear. Slowly from this state I began to build myself up again, piece by piece. I don’t remember exactly at what point in time my “safety zone” came along but when it did, it gave me a quiet place to hide from the sadness. I will explain exactly what the “safety zone” was at a later time; it deserves its very own post. I was still in the “hole” but this was when I started to deal with my pain and continued to build myself up. The recovery was still slow moving but at least it wasn’t at a stand still. My “safety zone” gave me the idea for a trip, so I took a vacation during this time to the state of Washington. The trip was a major turning point. It was nice to get away to somewhere new. A place where no one knew what I had been through. It was the clean slate, I’m moving on kind of feeling that I needed. Washington provided much more than expected. My heart felt light and free. I felt so peaceful and perfectly at home the entire trip. I didn’t want to leave but I promised myself I would return to this place that left me wrapped in joy.  The trip gave me hope that I would get through all of the pain and come out on the other side. I started to think of myself more, and began to realize that I was the only person that could come to my rescue. I was angry at myself for caring about this break up for so long. My anger started to change my attitude towards the pain and I began a new “war” tactic. During this time I hit a new stage. This stage could be called numerous things: the “anything you can do, I can do better”, the “yeah so what if I lied” or the “put that in your pipe and smoke it”. The list could go on for days. Here is where I did everything that I had promised my ex and myself I would never do. Such as go out and party, buy a new car, and grow my hair out. It was a rebellious stage but it was better than the black dullness. I was trying to speed my recovery by acting like a totally different person. I thought that if I could be a new person then the pain wouldn’t follow me around anymore and maybe the lost feeling would go away. Though somewhere deep inside I knew it was a doomed effort so I continued to use my safety zone to quietly process my pain. I was so busy trying to make the memories go away and so use the pain in my chest that I didn’t realize them slipping away. I can’t pin point the exact time this happened, but somewhere along the line I stopped singing sad love songs and dreaming of his return and started dreaming of going back home to  Washington. I was ready for a new start and a whole new me.  

Donating my wedding dress. 

The end. Or should I say the beginning?

 A year ago I would have titled this the end: The end of my love, the end of my life, the end of the world. But looking back now I see the truth; this was the beginning: The beginning of my life, my love and my dream.

I decided early on in life that I wanted to get married right out of college and become a mom. I dreamed of having a fairy tale romance like a high school sweetheart marriage. I had no idea what I was asking for but it wasn’t hard to find. I fell in love in high school with a young man slightly older than myself. He was mature and charming. I couldn’t resist being swept out of my dull high school books and into my fantasy world. The time flew by; graduation came and went as our feelings grew stronger. The life I had planned for myself seemed to be falling into place. But, the summer quickly gave way to the new school year, which meant I moved into my college dorm a whole 3 hours away from my heart and soul. Needless to say I was miserable and rarely allowed myself to enjoy the college experience. My time was filled with longing for my love and crying over our growing number of fights. The distance took its toll on us and the relationship came to a harsh end over thanksgiving. Devastated I called it quits at school and moved back home after only one semester. That should have been the end of him but after only four months of being home we found our way back into each others arms. From there things went very fast. Within a month I had a shiny rock on my left ring finger and was planning the winter wedding of my dreams! He was the center of my world, the sun of my universe. Every move I made was for him. I was young and in love what can I say. Time began to blur as I prepared for my I do’s. The dress was bought; the venues and photographer booked, and the custom napkins were orders. My Bridesmaids were fitted as the wedding date grew near. I called these months of planning the wedding fog; I paid little attention to anyone that was not him or anything that was not the wedding. I didn’t see it coming though now I can see the signs. He started to pull away and the arguments grew more common. I could see the ice was thin but told myself it was only stress that caused the fights. I told myself this but I lied. Just a month and a half before the wedding it all came crashing down. There would be no wedding; there was no engagement, there was nothing. He changed his mind. He left me there alone in the ashes of the only world I knew. I pretended to be ok, putting a smile on at work. Truth be told I had no idea what to do on my own.

That was the end. Or should I say the beginning.